Today was a good day, but even these days can have big disappointments. For those of you who read yesterdays post, then you were aware that I had an important test at 5:30 today. There are three things that I should remind you before I continue with my story.
I have never been blessed with the gifts of:
1. Grammer and Spelling
2. Test Taking
These three things I am always trying to improve, but it is so hard. I think it is almost harder because I want it so badly. I have never really been good at any of the three things, which is always a major disappointment. I can’t help that God didn’t give me those gifts; all I can do is use the gifts I have, but it doesn’t mean that I am still not disappointed. I have to take this grammar test for my class. The class is required for my major and if I don’t make an 80 or better than I will have to drop the class which would cause major problems all over the board. I took the test. I studied. I used all the test taking tips I could remember and I have a 77. Just 3 points shy of my goal, which is a reoccurring thing. By reoccurring, I mean I always seem to be so close, but never close enough. This reminded me instantly of the ACT which was an absolute nightmare. There were times that I never thought I would improve. I obviously did, but it was still a big challenge. The super important tests always seem to get a direct shot at my confidence and that really bothers me. I mean it’s one thing to not have a lot of confidence, but it’s another to keep having these things happen that weaken it. I know this is life and that happens, but I wish for once I could do something correct, like grammar or a test, the first time. I tried so hard to tell myself, “I can do this. I will pass!” Somewhere deep deep down, I knew I wasn’t going to pass this today. Maybe it was a feeling, or maybe it was because I don’t have enough confidence. It is probably some of both.
I was so upset. I mean why would God keep discouraging me, when all I really want and need is to be encouraged. It makes no sense. I had to stop for a second and really think about it because to me that makes no sense at all. I then remember a pretty good verse that has been with me a lot so far this semester.
Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go” (Joshua 1:9).
My God, the one whom I love and am so thankful for, is ever present. He is always with me. That is something truly special. So yes, I am discouraged. I am discouraged because God is uses that to draw me closer. He uses that to teach me. He uses that to better me. He uses that to help me find confidence in him.
That makes my heart oh so happy. I mean I know it might not be much, but when I really thought about it, I was instantly thankful. Yes, being disappointed always gets me way down. It really seems to do the most damage, but when I realize things like this, my damage is fixed with a new foundation… We sometimes need a new foundation, ya know? So as much as I’d like to sugarcoat this for you, I will not. Being disappointed is the only way I will grow closer to God and find that confidence I so desperately thirst for and that I am so thankful for. You think about!
Southern and Thankful