Not in an “I’ve given up on him or don’t believe in this plan anymore”. Actually, I have more faith in him currently than I have had in a long time. However, having faith takes a lot of patience, which is something I seem to be running out of at the moment.
I feel a lot of things these days… To sum it up nicely, I feel: stuck. You see, I am not complaining about my life right now. I am working in Little Rock. I have a home (it’s different depending on the day, but a home nonetheless), I have food, I am making money, etc. I have the things I need, but none of this is what I thought my life would look like at the age of 23.
Growing up, I cannot remember one person I looked up to career wise. I had many great role models with excellent values that taught me many things and made me the man I am today. However, to this day I can’t place my finger on one person I know that I want to be like career wise. My therapist and I (yeah I have one… better question is why don’t you??) came to the conclusion that it was one of the reasons I wanted to go out of state for college. I wanted to see that the dreams I was so intrigued by were possible for a boy like me from a small town in Arkansas.
*at this point if you think I am crazy for thinking this way or that I am being unrealistic… stop reading. I don’t want that negative energy*
You can imagine my surprise when God placed me right back in Arkansas. Again, not mad about that one bit, but I am not going to lie…it has been challenging for me in ways I can’t even begin to fully explain. God and I have been having a lot of serious talks and I understand I am back in Arkansas to prove myself and others wrong. I can accomplish my dreams being from this wonderful state and I will, because I want to be that role model that I never really had all these years.
I consider myself a creative person and I have 1,000 ideas in my head at all times, but I have never really been quite sure how to accomplish them. Besides hard work, I don’t have the connections or people to learn from. Again, I feel stuck.
Last night my mind was racing, and I had a memory come up. One time, when I was little, I got stuck in this muddy water while hunting in the middle of winter. I fell down in the water and could not get up on my own. I was also frozen solid because…duck hunting in the winter. Anyway, I remember being scared, but also being plain mad. That feeling is very similar to how I feel right now in my life. Of course, back then, someone quickly came and helped me up. I know the same thing will happen to me this go round, but the waiting and the overthinking is a lot.
I want to write a book. I am writing a book. I want to write songs. I want to write TV shows or movies. I want to do anything where I can use my storytelling skills. My ideas rotate and change every day, but at the core of it, I want to be a positive influence. I want to inspire others. Funny thing, I can feel it coming. Like a train head on. I know that with all my heart. Therefore, right now I am thankful to be stuck because everything that is jammed always finds its way loose. Watch out because as soon as I wiggle my way out of this, I’m gonna be THAT guy that other young ones from our small town (and state) can look up to for inspiration!! If you are stuck, be grateful! I know that means something good is coming so soon!
Southern and Thankful